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George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic, and author. He was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics. Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second on its list of the 50 best stand-up comedians of all time, in 2017. Moreover, he also placed second on Comedy Central’s list of top 10 American comedians, in 2014. He had battled addictions to alcohol, Vicodin, and cocaine. Carlin had a history of heart problems spanning three decades. These included three heart attacks. Read some of the George Carlin’s inspirational quotes in the below article.

Top 50 George Carlin Quotes

  1. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
  2. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  3. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  4. That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  6. I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
  7. Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
  8. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  9. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  10. Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
  11. I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
  12. I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
  13. Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
  14. Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
  15. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  16. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  17. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
  18. Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
  19. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
  20. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
  21. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”
  22. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
  23. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
  24. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
  25. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Read Also: 100 Wayne Dyer Quotes

  1. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
  2. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  3. There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
  4. A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
  5. When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.
  6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  7. I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
  8. The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
  9. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
  10. I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
  11. There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
  12. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
  13. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
  14. Religion is just mind control.
  15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  16. Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
  17. I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking. ‘Aw, he’s a comedian. He’s just sayin’ that stuff.’ Good. That’s exactly what I want you to think.
  18. Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.
  19. Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
  20. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
  21. People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
  22. The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he’d grab a little something on the way to work.
  23. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
  24. Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
  25. In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who ‘don’t know.’ What isn’t generally understood is that it’s the same people in every poll.

Read Also: Ronald Reagan Quotes

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